I called my husband all confused. Was this an opportunistic doorway into fattening up that savings account quickly? Or just a ruse to throw us off the scent of our original plans? It had sounded so glorious to quit and carry on with more art, and working with Ed, doing the mountains of work that need to be done around the house.

When confronted with this, it would have been so easy to toss and turn for days, trying to figure out the pros and cons of each scenario. I think sometimes it becomes easy to obsess with the decision making process, instead of simply making the choice. I read something that talked about making every decision you ever encounter in life within 30 seconds, even major ones. It seems so scary to commit to something without contemplating extensively, polling friends and family, maybe even writing out ideas.

But it’s such a time waster. It also expends unnecessary energy. So, when I called my husband wondering what to do with the new-found open door, we quickly decided to make a decision and stick to it. We realized that our original plan is a good one that we are happy with, and if and when that needs to change, we will worry about it then. I dont want to waste time stressing. We will do the best we can and work from there.

But on to June. June - already?!? What is that all about anyways? I am glad, because I abhor the winter, but I am panicking because the year is half-way over and there’s SO much to be done!! Breathe, Jen, just breathe…. good air in, bad air out….hee hee hoo - I am glad I can use those birthing techniques now, because they were useless when I had Naomi.

Okay, I am calm and zen and ready to think of June. It’s project time- are you ready?? Drumroll pleeeeeease…. This month’s theme is going to be “insects”. Or any other creepy crawly thing you are fond of or repulsed by. I saw some fabulous bug art made by the kids at the Chaffee show, and was really inspired by the whimsical way they approached the subject matter. Don’t let that influence you, whimsy need not be your modus operandi.

On to Darlene… just to let you know my husband thinks my tattoos are hot - but he didn’t know he would until I got one

Have you ever gotten a tattoo? I have- in fact I have four. Three on my lower back and one on my wrist. And a few more in my head that haven’t materialized in the flesh yet. They say once you get a tattoo, you start down a vicious path of wanting more and more lyrical, colorful, perhaps questionable symbols decorating a variety of body parts- and I would have to say that so far it seems true in my life. My recent addition is a tribute to my husband. I had him take a sharpie marker and scrawl “code 34″ on a piece of paper (which is by the way, a symbolic phrase for us). The tattoo artist then made a sort-of decal of that scribble, applied it to my wrist, and proceeded to permanently etch this into my flesh. A tad painful spot, in case you’re wondering.

Why do I do this? Well, if you don’t have a tattoo, you can’t help but wonder. But for me, it’s as artistic as a painting. I just feel the urge to express myself in a way that’s very ME. I know I am completely unique in this world, but for some reason, I feel compelled to kick it up a notch. Question the status quo a bit. I mean most 31 year-old moms of six year-olds aren’t bringing their children into tattoo parlors to get inked. But I am not your typical 31 year-old mom. I like to be a bit over-the-edge. It’s exhilarating!

And my loving, steadfast, traditional computer programmer husband who has never had a tattoo in his life decided to go along, and get crazy, and get a tattoo with me. He returned the gesture with a “code 48″ on his wrist, in my handwriting. It may be a little abnormal, but who defines normal anyways? It’s definately not corporate, and I’m ok with that.

It’s also depressing because working any job is a big bummer when you are an artist and that’s what you’d rather be doing. Ed and I have finally payed off our pesky pile of debt, but our next goal is to have an emergency fund of three-to-six months livings expenses in the bank. So, I’m not out of the woods yet, we still have a way to go. We are pretty focused when we want to be. There is a goal chart hanging on the frig cheering us on - you know, the temperature-gauge type where you color each successful block in with a red marker to see your progress? I’m a big fan of visual reminders and encouragement.

It’s even more of a bummer to go to work, because with my new system of getting things done in life, I am actually getting things done! It’s the most amazing thing. I love it, and I’m excited. Five days worth of undertaking habit-forming operations, and still going strong! I’m not exactly changing the course of the universe, but in my little realm of influence, it’s been a great thing. Will it last..??

This is what I do. It’s hard to explain, so if your head is spinning by the end, I apologize! I got myself a magnetic refrigerator list pad. They are cheap and they are sold everywhere. I have about ten of them using the door of my frig as a social outlet for doing absolutely nothing. The one I am currently using has 18 lines. I put the date at the top (which originally was 5/21) and put about a dozen things I’d like to accomplish that day down as the day progressed. Of course, I didn’t get to them all. With my old system, come the 22nd, I would have re-written those things down and carried on as such. I didn’t do that this time. I started the 22nd on the same page, immediately below the previous list, and filled the next 4 or so lines, and carried the list onto the next page.

The rule was that I could not repeat things from the day before I had not actually crossed off the list. If “write blog post” was on the list from the day before but not crossed off, I could do it today, but cross it off for yesterday. If however, “laundry” was listed and crossed off, I could write it down today if I had more to tackle. As long as I made a little effort towards something (ie. laundry), I could cross it off. I did not have to completely finish all the laundry, just put in some effort. Savvy?

The next rule I imposed is that I can’t tear off that first sheet until everything on it has been crossed off. Technically, I could see the book completely filling up, so I also made a rule that I can’t fill more than three sheets. So, if I still have an item on page one not crossed off (I do), and I have just about filled up page three (I have), I can’t go on until I at least put in some effort into that one thing I haven’t attempted yet. Once I do, I can cross it off the list, therefore finishing that page so it can be torn off and discarded. I can then carry on with the whole process.

Why the heck, you may ask, did I tell you this ridiculously confusing system?? Well, it’s just to point out that you truly have to find a way to do things that works for you. It may seem wacky, but other people’s systems weren’t working for me. Oh they did for a while. Until I became so spread thin, and my list became so huge that I could never complete it. Until I became so overwhelmed that I never accomplished anything - epic malais.

Push through and find a way that works for you, even if it’s so confusing that no one in the general population could understand it. You do, and that’s all that counts.

For example… I recently sold something on Ebay, this knitting device-machine-thing, that I had tried out once like four years ago. Lately, I am really into discarding, donating, or selling items I have not used in the last six months, so the sweater knitting machine thing had to go. I checked in the box, everything seemed to be in order, and listed the item. I was hoping to get maybe $50, but imagine my surprise when it sold for over $90! Happily, I received payment, and shipped it out with a big “Thanks!” scrawled on the brown paper package.

Within a few days, I get an email from the seller. There are two things missing! I begin to panic. My reputation on Ebay is really important to me, I don’t want negative feedback! So, how am I to fix this? I have no idea where those parts are, or how they ended up missing! So, I call the company and leave a voicemail. I call then next day and leave a voicemail. I figure, they’re a company, they’ll get back to me. A week passes. Nothing. I am feeling guilty about the whole transaction, but I am petrified to address the situation. My husband says to buy another one for the parts and then re-sell the new one stating it’s missing parts. But we’re sure to take a loss with that plan. It occurs to me I can only either #1: offer to refund her money and get the machine back or #2: try to get the replacement parts. The latter option is much more desirable, obviously.

I am really dreading calling this company, but I grit my teeth and determine I will call them once every five minutes for an entire day if need be, until someone picks up the phone! I dial the number, and lo and behold someone says hello! I tell them the problem, and they are very kind, offering to mail the items free of charge, and throw in an extra instruction manual and DVD as well. I immediately email my buyer and tell them the good news, and she writes back that she is thrilled and can’t wait.

A huge, and I mean HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders! Yes- another thing crossed off my list. And that’s what did it, by the way. My new list system. It’s working so far, so good. I’ll tell you more about it next time, but it’s working. As for me, I’m thrilled. And a lot less guilt-ridden. And that works for me

And therefore I am trying to adopt new habits that will allow me a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes I think its silly to try to get into new habits, because for the most part, I can’t break old bad habits and have a very difficult time keeping up with new good ones. I get to thinking “what’s the point?” But I try to remember that the free-spirit that was afraid of money now could not imagine living without tracking her daily expenses on a pre-planned monthly budget. And I try to remember being fat- I mean REALLY fat for my height. We’re talking 200 pounds on a five-foot-one frame. And I can’t imagine just eating with abandon anything I please like I used to. I think of how my marriage to my best friend in the whole world had become completely broken, and I can’t imagine not having the love and passion we have so carefully fostered into our lives.

Apparently, you really can change. That is so encouraging that it brings tears to my eyes. Because if I have arrived, I don’t want to go on. The thrill of living is in the journey, in the change and growth. I have to believe I can grow into being the artist that already lives within me.

I have three philosophies in life. I apply them to everything, and they make all the difference in the world to me. #1: It is what it is. #2: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. #3: No matter what happens, everything will turn out just fine, as long as I’m really trying. These have given me perspective, helped me to accept my situations, given me an enormous sense of peace, and helped me to let go of burdens.

When I want to encourage myself, I dig out my old pic and see that things don’t always have to stay the way they are. I can’t change the past, but my decisions impact the future. This used to be me. It still is me, only more so. Or there’s only less of me now. Almost 75 pounds actually! So, I can become a better, healthier, more creative, more productive, more financially savvy, etc… etc… etc… person if I want to….

When I look back at the last year, I really do have a lot to be proud of. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds, paid off $25,000 in debt, and restored my completely broken marriage (with my husband’s help of course). But along the lines of art, I have only had one show, sold very little, donated to some charitable auctions, done a few demos and a handfull of classes. Let’s be honest - that’s not where I want to be. I have been doing this long enough where I look back and start saying “if only…” and it’s distressing.

I am not trying to garner sympathy, but I feel the need to vent. I know from having artist friends long enough that this is normal, to go through phases. But I feel like I’ll be in a perpetual phase as my life never slows down. I scrape something off the plate only to have something else, or maybe two or three somethings miraculously take its place.

Today I wrote a list. Lists are nice, because I can cross things off as I accomplish them. But I often get discouraged as my list will have many more things on it than I have hours in the day to complete it. Inevitably, half the list carries to the next day, as I add another pile of goodies to tackle. Today, though, I tried to be reasonable and realistic. I also tried to give myself little victories, by accomplishing some of the quick small stuff. We’ll see what happens. Maybe I can create tomorrow…..

So without further ado, I’d like to introduce the project for the month of May. It’s inspired by some fabulous kid’s art I saw at the Chaffee Art Center in Rutland, VT. There was a lot of really fun, colorful sculpture everywhere - on podiums, on the walls, hanging from the ceiling - it was great! So, the theme is simply going to be “3-D”. That’s really easy if you’re already a sculptor, and maybe a little easier if you’re a painter of some sort (maybe!!). If you aren’t those, then I suggest one of two things. Either use your traditional medium keeping the concept “3-D” in mind, or branch outside of your practiced medium to try something completely different. Whatever you do, have fun with it!